The Evolution of Love and Sex.
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Before our sex life began its evolution we were so hot.
Make out in an elevator.
Mess around in a movie theater.
Do it in a parking lot.
Can’t keep our hands off of each other, steaming hot.
We would rack up hundreds of dollars in phone bills.
Thousands of text messages were sent.
We wrote long love letters that spewed romance, love, and sex all over the pages.
There was lingerie, dates, romance, stripteases, candles, and music in the bedroom.
There was thoughtfulness behind every action.
We were so in love and so into each other every single minute of every single day.
It was breathtaking, crazy, spontaneous, sexy, love.
Even our tone of voice was different with each other. Almost like a happy, higher pitched baby voice.
The “I love you… no, I love you more… stop it… no, you hang up…” That was us.
Notice I said “was”.
Fast forward seven years, almost to the day, marriage and two kids later. Evolution hits.
We call each other and text a couple times a day. Mostly just to talk about what’s for dinner or how the kids are doing.
We say an obligatory “I love you” at the end of each call.
We do not talk about love and sex.
The content has gone from hundreds of long admissions of utter longing to “love ya” or “hi.”
Our cutsie tone of voice has changed too. It’s almost like we’re in a rush, talking to a telemarketer or distant relative.
Conversations that once were about future plans and sweet nothings are now replaced by how many times the baby pooped that day and what bills need to be paid.
Sexy, slinky lingerie has been replaced with flannel polka dot PJ’s.
Sex has been replaced by sleep, sometimes in separate rooms depending on the kids.
Music in our bedroom is usually “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” and that doesn’t really do it for me.
Maybe we’ll text a little flirt here or there and make plans to snuggle or get lucky.
But then we’re so tired and stressed by the day that we barely grunt at each other when we turn out the light.
If we get past that hurdle, our efforts are usually thwarted by a four-year-old in between us and a five-month-old’s crib in our room. We have older kids too… five kids (four in the house usually) altogether, so there’s the “hush” factor to take into consideration.
Yes, we can get creative- a quickie in the shower or a close encounter in the closet.
However, those are few and far between, really far between.
Come to think of it, I think I get more attention from the shower curtain while shaving my legs.
It’s not like we love each other any less, but we’re older, busier and more comfortable with each other.
I know that, as a couple, we are in transition right now.
We’re trying to find our way as parents to teens, a tween, a preschooler, and baby. We’re slammed with bills, jobs, kids’ activities, cleaning, laundry, dinner, appointments and just plain “stuff” that we all have to deal with every day.
If we lived on a magical island where none of those things existed, I’m sure we’d be all over each other like a mess on a toddler at least a few hours every day.
Kinda like when we first met, so it’s not that we don’t want it.
It’s just that it’s not a priority.
I know that one day soon, we’ll find our way back to each other and back to the bedroom.
I envision it to be hot, with lingerie (I hope my boobs aren’t around my knees by then!), candles and music.
Where we are now is a temporary result of all that life has given us, and we’re grateful.
We’re grateful that we get to be busy with healthy, active kids.
We’re grateful that we have a beautiful home to keep up and an amazing life together.
Sex was a huge part of “us” and it will be again.
We just have to roll with the punches and put every effort in that we can when we can and know that, that is enough, we are enough.
Our evolution is perfect for us.
How has yours changed over the years?
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12 thoughts on “The Evolution of Love and Sex”
Amy and Dr. Ho, thank you for this post!
The beautiful thing is that this is part of an evolution and it’s bound to change – we just have to work on it to make it change for the better.
Best,
Sigrid
Useful post!! You’re correct, you are crazy. You become an idol for me. You always change the Way of my thinking . Your way of thinking is really amazing. Thank you so much
I am actually relieved to see that this is a reality for most couples. Our relationship is filled with love, and yet all of those things you mention do fill the time and space. At times it makes me feel sad, and then I remember how very grateful I am and how very lucky we are to have a healthy family. Great article, doc. TY! xo #dreamteam xo
It was my pleasure to share.
This is really what happens to most couples after kids come into the picture. I think to those on the outside this will either make them dread having kids or think it will never happen to them but it does to every one. Great article and very much what it looks like in reality. #DreamTeam
This sounds so familiar. We have three kids… thanks for joining the #dreamteam this week
I think this sounds perfectly normal after having a family! Life changes and along with it so do priorities! Thanks for sharing with #TriumphantTales, hope to see you again next week.
27 years here. In a lot of ways it’s closer, but you have to make plans to be in the same room half the time as with 3 kids you always have to be somewhere else. I always try to make one night with us (at a movie or show or something) and one night with friends at a bar or dinner as a couple – then during the week we’re all over the place with commitments. I think you start making time for sex at all sorts of odd hours, because it’s convenient…rather than just at night at the end of the day. #Dreamteam
You have a wonderful plan.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years, together for 10. We have two boys under 5 and make time most nights to get together. We try to do it as soon as the kids fall asleep. It might not be spontaneous, but we always have a great time. I think it makes us stronger, healthier and happier.
Relationships go through all kinds of cycles. 😉
This post is really “reality”. I am not married but I use to be and definitely experienced the same type of evolution. While most of us would love it if we could keep that same passion and spontaneous behavior we had when we first met our mate, life happens and sex sometimes takes a back seat.
This does not mean you love your spouse any less. But I am also a firm believer that we must find the time to express our love in all types of ways, to include sex. When we allow certain areas of our lives to go lacking it can cause problems in the marriage that could have easily been avoided. Thanks for sharing.