Some women say they are so in tune with their bodies that they know within just a few weeks of conceiving that they are pregnant. I am not one of those women.
By the time I finally took a test to see if I was having a baby, I was already almost 8 weeks pregnant.
It’s not that I was totally clueless, but rather I was procrastinating to avoid disappointment.
My husband, Blake, and I had been married for exactly two years, and although we talked about kids from time to time, neither of us were quite ready to pull the goalie out of the game.
We weren’t ready to intentionally try for a baby, yet we weren’t being very careful either.
We remained in a sort of limbo for months, wanting kids one day, but not knowing if that day was today.
One morning we were out to breakfast at a local diner. After just a few bites of my eggs and toast, I suddenly got the urge to vomit. I chalked it up to the sugary mojitos I had at dinner the night before, but Blake wasn’t convinced. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had my period, and my boobs had been unusually painful the last few days. So after breakfast, we stopped off at Target to buy a pregnancy test, but I was hesitant to take it.
For two days the unopened box sat on the top of toilet tank. I was avoiding it, and my husband knew it. To his credit, he only asked me once when I was going to take the test. In reply, I just shrugged and completely dodged the question. I wasn’t sure what was preventing me from just taking it.
Was it because I wasn’t ready to be a mother?
Was it because I was afraid of a negative result?
Either way, I honestly didn’t have an answer as to when I would ready to take the test.
A couple of days later, I walked into the bathroom before bed and there was that unopened pregnancy test. After staring at it for a few moments, I decided to just take it. I didn’t even give me husband a heads up; probably because I wasn’t sure which way I wanted this to go. I peed on the stick and waited. I was in the bathroom so long, I’m surprised my husband didn’t come looking for me. When a result finally came through, I walked out of the bathroom in shocked silence. Blake immediately asked if I was okay, and wondered what was wrong. Not realizing I had a smile on my face, I showed him the positive pregnancy test, and without skipping a beat, he embraced me with pure happiness.
From that moment, it was clear that this was something we both wanted, but then why did I have such mixed feelings up to that point? Perhaps it was because I wasn’t ready. Here’s the thing though, I don’t think I would have ever been truly ready.
Having a baby is the biggest life change you can make, and it’s scary in so many ways.
Looking back, I think it’s only natural that I had cold feet.
Deep down I knew I wanted a baby, but I was too afraid to consciously make it happen.
It’s pretty amazing how quickly the maternal instinct kicked in. Almost instantly, worry and doubt took the back seat, and excitement and preparation took over. I was as ready as I’d ever been to have a baby. Don’t get me wrong, worry and doubt still reared their ugly heads every once in awhile.
Would I be a good mother? How would we adjust to life with a baby?
But those worries were few and far in between. I was too focused on growing a healthy baby and bringing her into this world safely.
The funny thing is, those pre-baby jitters don’t really go away, they just take on a different form. Even now, as I will my nine-month-old to take a much-needed nap, I worry. Is she growing and developing as she should? Will she ever sleep through the night? Am I a good mother? I think it’s only human to second guess yourself sometimes.
Despite the worry that never seems to completely disappear, I’m pretty confident that I’m figuring out this whole parenting thing.